delusional

I’ve been deluding myself these several months now.

I thought that if I focused my thoughts, if I continued on with my life, I could get her out of my mind. That I could shut out the memory of her voice or of her laughter as I showed her my humble gifts of plants. That I could go on existing as if I never really felt anything for her, as if my feelings were merely a few crumbs fallen on the table waiting to be whisked away.

And yet, everything I’ve done so far was to make a mess of myself. Even the underlings have noticed this. And in their unconditional concern for me, have reported right away to the second generation leader… yes, to my father.

Damn if he didn’t enroll me in a karate dojo.

“You’re a Kasanoda, so be like a Kasanoda,” he said.

What else does he expect of me? That I deny the emotions raging inside of me?

I cannot do that. I cannot deny what I feel for Haruhi.

That would be more than death. That would be betraying my heart, and the very love which I hold for her.

But then, father always considers appearances more important than anything. It always was.

Easy for him; he wasn’t born with a face like this.

Maybe I should give this one a chance. Should be interesting. His friend Souma Kazuma-san is the sensei.

~ by Kasanoda Ritsu on May 30, 2009.